Monthly Archives: December 2013

Conversational snippets

She watched him silently for a few moments as he worked at the stove and then said,”I need you to show me how to grill pork chops. I don’t know how.”

“I can’t.” His slight chagrin was accompanied by a charming smile, “I literally have no idea what I’m doing.”

“So what are you doing?” she asked, “What’s your plan?”

“I decided to put the raw meat on this hot thing.”

She tilted her head, and inspected the meat with a critical eye, “That’s a pretty solid plan.”

“I thought so too.”

Me: Can poinsettias live outside? I want one but it would be safer for the the animals if we kept it outside. They’re cold weather plants, right?

Kyle: Seriously? What in our thirteen years together makes you think I know the answer to that question?

Me: I thought you’d be use to my questions by now and prepare accordingly.

Kyle: You’re right. That’s how I spend my spare time. Reading up on poinsettia trivia.


“I need your help!” she shouted from the bathroom.

He bounded across the bedroom, scolding the dogs to get the hell out of the way. When he reached her, the concern on his face was evident. “What? What’s wrong?”

“I slept in this shirt but I still want to wear it today. Help me rub the dog fur off of it?”

He stared at her, his face torn between amusement and irritation. Finally he said, “I’m posting this on Facebook.”

“Good. I hope you do. Now help me with my shirt.”


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December 8, 2013 · 1:59 am

I’m sorry. Really.

This weekend I bought Kyle a small present and then I immediately apologized for it before I even gave it to him. I was sure he wouldn’t like it and I wanted to explain myself.

He rolled his eyes at me and demanded his present. He also asked me to please stop apologizing for everything, especially for things like buying him a $1 silly gift. It’s not the first time we’ve had this conversation. It’s also not the first time I’ve had the unnecessary apology exchange with someone.

Things I apologized for in the past week:

1. Needing to eat.
2. Reading.
3. Playing LEGO Avengers poorly.
4. Sleeping.
5. Asking for a glass of water.
6. Shivering.
7. Having hair on my legs.
8. Accepting a glass of wine that was offered to me.
9. Not cutting my toenails.
10. Borrowing toothpaste.

Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. And yes, it makes me want to apologize to everyone for being so ridiculous. (I’m sorry, really. I am.) Look at the list! In essence, I’m apologizing for being human. I’m apologizing for claiming space. I’m apologizing for existing.

I’d also like to apologize for those last three sentences being so damn dramatic.

On one hand, I can accept that my incessant need to apologize is just part of me. It’s a neurotic little quirk that can be treated with compassion. On the other, I’d really like it to stop because I’m afraid it might actually be a little self-destructive. So, I’m testing myself.

I wanted to get Kyle a “just because” present and I thought that I might as well kill two birds with one stone. His gift is due to arrive today and other than mentioning that I bought him a present, I’m keeping my mouth shut.

It’s profoundly uncomfortable. (I just want to tell him I’m sorry if it’s a horrible pressent. But I’m not saying it.)

It’s also made me profoundly grateful for overnight shipping.

I think this holiday season might cause a nervous breakdown. Anyone else have this quirk?


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